Dear Baba

Dear Baba; this is probably one of the least theological questions you’ve ever been asked so I hope you don’t mind. I keep hearing you say we need to stand still for this or stand still for that. How do I stand still without my back and legs aching and can you tell me when I should be standing? Also how do I teach my children to stand still?

My dear practical friend; Please know you can ask any question any time and please don’t ever feel the slightest bit embarrassed to ask whatever is on your mind. Heaven forbid we miss out on a subject to chat about over tea. I have cookies and I have a fresh pot of tea so let’s sit down and chat about standing.

The proper form of worship is to stand. We can kneel in prostrations and in penance but the vast majority of our time in worship is spent standing. Because Orthodox services are longer than most anything else we do in one concentrated effort, we need to train ourselves to stand properly so we can really enter into the presence of God.

Starting with basics, please wear comfortable shoes. For gals sometimes it is flats, sometimes a little heel works better. Stilettos my dear, usually don’t work. Oh my, even the thought makes my feet ache.
Stand with both feet evenly bearing your weight – it really is better on your back. I know it may seem easier to shift from foot to foot, but it is actually harder on your back and hips to be standing crooked. I remember as a child it felt so good to shift my weight and give one hip a break but I was always scolded and the Babas in the church were always set before me as an example. They stood for hours like statues despite being 60, 70 or 80 years older than me. Obviously practice had a lot to do with it.
Don’t lock your knees. If you’ve ever seen an acolyte keel over, it is usually because they’ve started staring at a candle and locked their knees. Keep you knees relaxed.
Arms at your sides. This may seem like a little thing but we shouldn’t fold our arms in a defensive posture in church. Nor should we shove them casually in our pockets. Both those postures also tend to make us slouch which honestly just makes it harder on our backs and it doesn’t help us assume a reverent posture in church. We can fold them in prayer or lift them in the orans (palms up and arms open) for certain prayers and of course, they are folded in humble submission as we approach the chalice. But what to do with them all the other times we are in church? The Babas held them at their sides. That’s it – just that simple. They had them straight down at their sides. Their backs were straight, their shoulders relaxed and their arms were at their sides except when they crossed themselves and/or bowed. And you know, it really does work.
Try not to sway. It is so easy to catch yourself swaying or rocking back and forth and it is surprisingly hard to calm. Your body will probably protest any attempt especially at first. But like anything, the more you do it, the more natural it will be to “be still and know that I am God” as Psalm 46:10 admonishes us.
If you start feeling stiff, chances are there is the opportunity to make the sign of the cross and to bow. It brings your entire body into worship and that is an Orthodox truth. We worship the Consubstantial and Undivided Trinity with our whole body and soul. All of creation rejoices in God our Savior and we do too. Our movement in the services of the church is one of worship. It will take us a while to train ourselves up for it but the goal is that every motion and every movement is worship.
Please my dear, if you need to sit do so but just be mindful to keep your body in worship while in the holy space of the temple. Don’t sit back and relax. Don’t cross your legs. And of course there are times you should not be sitting. As a quick overview, you should be standing when the censer is out, the priest is giving a blessing, during the holiest times of the services especially the liturgy and most of all – DO NOT SIT IF THE CHALICE IS OUT. The very body and blood of our Lord and Savior is in our midst – we must absolutely stand with the greatest of reverence - even if we are not communing. There is a list from our previous discussions with more details on the holy times during the liturgy that I won’t repeat here.
Still your mind. This truly is most important but the hardest thing to do. The mind is the nosiest and most active part of us. Have you ever tried to pray and found your mind racing through everything that happened yesterday; worries about tomorrow, wondering what possessed that person over there to wear that, wondering what will be for dinner and so on non-stop? It races to everything but the here and now. And the more you try to quiet your mind the more rambunctious it becomes. You will need to work with your spiritual father on this one. It is truly a daunting challenge.

Now about those wonderful children of yours. As I discovered as a child, the Babas had years of practice to be able to stand through service after service in reverent stillness. Like us, our children will not be able to do that at first. But my dear, with your deliberate and conscious effort to teach them, it will become natural for them. Don’t be shy about expecting it of them either. The same guidelines for adults ultimately apply to children and their growing bodies.

Beware of limpets. Believe it or not, their legs are not jelly but bone and muscle. Children really should stand on their own two feet. If they are hanging all over you, you cannot stand properly plus it puts so much extra strain on your back. Worst of all, they learn nothing about standing reverently. Limpets usually are also draped over you in such a way that they cannot properly make the sign of the cross and they cannot bow (and neither can you). They tend to just hang there unable to physically participate in worship.
If you are holding your children in your arms, be mindful of how they are facing. The most practical way we all tend to hold them (with their legs wrapped around our waist) puts their backs to the altar which isn’t really appropriate. If necessary, use that if little ones are napping. Parents are usually really good at holding their children on a hip or up on an arm where they are both facing forward. May God bless them. It can get very tough on their backs so they need to be careful as it is exactly opposite of evenly distributing weight that I talked about earlier. Left hip/arm works well as does having their back against your chest (when they are smaller) as it frees your right hand to cross yourself and your child. Sometimes they just have to be shifted to the other side. There are many in the congregation who would welcome the chance to help as well. A few sets of arms can make all the difference in the world for those children who really need to be held. Once old enough to actually stay by you, children should stand next to you, or sit quietly at your feet or on a pew nearby when appropriate. This won’t happen overnight. They will phase into standing on their own a little at a time.
All little ones will reach that age where they don’t want to stay in your arms but putting them down unleashes attempts at nonstop motion all over the church. Usually this is in the 9 month to 2 year old range (much older than that and it is a different issue). Without pews it can be very hard to ‘contain’ them and boy do they move fast. As hard as it is in this phase, they really need to be kept close to you. I don’t know what to say other than all parents have been through that phase. It is temporary although it feels like an eternity. Decompression breaks outside where they can run off some energy has been helpful for some – especially when the breaks come before there is a meltdown in behavior. Ask other parents what worked for them if you’d like other ideas. Just keep teaching your children what is expected of them and little by little they will learn and it will become natural to them. The key is that the more they are in church the quicker they will learn.
Children are growing and at times their growth spurts will cause them to become more faint or their legs to hurt. This is especially true as they enter their tween and early teen years. Don’t be shocked if a child who easily stood through services suddenly cannot. It too is temporary. There will be times as they grow that they need to step outside for fresh air and they need to sit a bit more although they can be taught and expected to do it all very reverently.
Potty breaks. Timing is everything. Kids do need a break now and then as they grow and sometimes they actually do need to use the bathroom. Unless medically necessary, though, I don’t think they need multiple trips during a single service.
Please, I beg of you, don’t just let them go in and out when they want without any regard to where we are in the liturgy. I know one mom who trained up her kids to simply ask. If it was an especially holy time of the liturgy (or about to be), without explanation she would simply signal to them to wait a moment. And then likewise would ‘release’ them with a quick nod that would not disturb the worship of those around them. All of us who worshipped around that family were grateful for that. You may need to study a liturgy book or talk with someone if you are not sure yourself when it is ok to be moving about the church or sitting down.
The pitter patter of tiny feet. If your little ones tend to move around you a lot, you may wish to consider taking off their shoes. Shoes on a hard floor are surprisingly noisy and disruptive to those around you especially when toddlers lie on the floor and kick their feet (which really is a bit too casual a posture for church don’t you think my dear?). Preschool/ Kindergarten aged children and older can be taught to move quietly and keep movements to a minimum. You can practice at home or even in church outside of a service time.
The most important time to be still is during the Anaphora (“It is Meet and Right” through “We Praise Thee”). The gifts are consecrated at the altar miraculously by the descent of the Holy Spirit while the choir sings “We Praise Thee” and if it is a shorter setting of the hymn, the actual consecration may take place after that. The “take, eat, this is my body…” is not the consecration but the institution of the Eucharist. I know many of the children like to run to the side door to see the bell being rung and there is all sorts of accompanying activity with that. Unfortunately, all too often that is just as the gifts are being consecrated – the holiest point of the liturgy. How sad when the great mystery taking place at the altar is greeted by a distracted congregation. Everything should stop and everyone should be very, very still at the consecration and focused on the altar. Before you or your children move towards the bell, please wait for the priest to say “Especially for our most holy, pure, blessed, and glorious Lady, the Theotokos and Ever Virgin Mary”. Then you know the gifts have been consecrated. Even so, please keep all movement reverent and not disruptive to those worshipping around you.

I hope that helps answer your questions and helps relieve your back. It looks like your cup needs to be refilled and please don’t be shy about diving into those cookies – I’ve got plenty more and am glad to share them with you and your wonderful children.

With enveloping hugs;

Baba

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