Dear Baba

How do I pray? How do I make time? I have small children who are not inclined to pray with me for very long and yet I desire a deeper prayer life than their activity level seems to allow. So I feel like I’ve dropped off my wish list of stuff I want God to take care of by my icons like a drive thru window at a fast food joint. That is hardly what I think prayer should be. - Prayerful Parent

Dear Prayerful Parent: We need to pray. We need time with Our Creator and as a parent you have a very serious responsibility to raise your children to seek God and to live their lives growing closer and closer to Him. Our life is a journey of growing closer to God and allowing Him to work through us – our hands, our feet, our lips, and filling our hearts with His abiding presence. So let’s take a few minutes, drink some tea and see what we can come up with.

• We strive to pray unceasingly. In our frustration, we often think the monastics have it so much easier because they can sit and pray all day. They do pray formally for many hours every day but they are also facing many responsibilities to keep the monastery functioning. And that requires very hard work. But they, like us, are also facing the admonition to pray unceasingly. Your calling with your family at this time is to work out your salvation as part of a Christian family.

• Expect opposition. Any and all efforts you make to grow closer to God will be opposed whether you have small children or not. C. S. Lewis in his Screwtape Letters does a fantastic job of describing just how seductive the opposition can be in its determination to lure us away from God.

• There are many forms of prayers. There are those written by the saints, written in the Psalms, heralded by angels and those given to us by Christ himself. These are the beautifully poetic prayers we can say. They are the discipline of the lips that soaks into our hearts.

• There should be time to sit and be still and marvel at God’s glory. Prayer can be simply saying “Glory to Thee O Lord, Glory to Thee” or reciting the Jesus Prayer. Or being quiet – if you can do so without your mind wandering off into the weeds.

• Have an icon corner. It should be a designated place in your home where you have your icons, prayer books, holy water, holy oil, the cross, the censer etc. This should become the gathering spot for prayers – individually and as a family. Because prayers should saturate our lives, have icons throughout your home as well.

• In addition to regular formal prayer times, pray as you work. As you make beds, do laundry, cook a meal and run errands Pray as you commute to and from work. I know a dear Baba who knelt in prayer morning and evening. As she worked around the house during the day, she kept on praying and pausing to reverence the various icons around the house. Over time it became natural for her to pray as she did her normal chores. The monks do very much the same thing.

• This dear Baba was able to develop her prayer life over many years. There were times when she was mothering small children that her prayer life was quite different. It was also completely different when she was fleeing her childhood home during the war, losing family members and facing starvation. It was a lifelong process for her and it is the same with us. Work with your spiritual father to develop your prayer discipline and continue working with him as you grow spiritually, as your circumstances change, as you stumble and as you regain your footing.

• Ah, now about those sweet children. There are ages and stages when it seems like your children will never learn to pray or never seek out a relationship with God. There are times their prayers seem as heartfelt as brushing their teeth. And their sigh of relief that prayer time is over can be quite disheartening. But please don’t be discouraged. Continue raising them up in the way they should walk. Seeing you pray is not only an example of how they should walk, but it also fills their home with the heavenly peace and love that prayer invites.

• Consider having a special children’s prayer time at home. This is shorter and more age appropriate and the children participate. They may be responsible for blowing out the candle, holding the hand cross or icon and as they can, leading certain prayers. Select prayers or psalms that they will be hearing in church so they can experience the familiar connection. There are prayers that can be said as a family and then little ones put to bed.

• I know some parents who will pray in their child’s room as little ones drop off to sleep. This becomes a very peaceful and quiet prayer time. Others pray after children are in bed or will rise extra early in the morning to be sure there is time for prayers before the day starts. There is a beautiful morning prayer of Metropolitan Philaret of Moscow that so powerfully sets the course for the day. Again, expect opposition. Don’t be surprised if getting up an extra 5 to 15 minutes earlier becomes the most challenging thing you’ve ever done.

• I know of children whose parents prayed with each one as they got into bed at night. They would realize over time that mommy and daddy would continue in their grown up prayers before the icons. As they got older, they would consider it quite a special thing to get to stay up a bit later and pray with them. They would understand it wasn’t a time to monkey around but a privilege.

• Teach your children that prayer is not about demanding wishes be granted as though the Most Holy Trinity was a genie at our beck and call. Too often we treat God that way and that is tragic. We are simply too busy, too tired, too distracted and too filled with excuses– to pray, to honor and to glorify our Creator. We only turn to Him in times of crisis when we expect He will grant our wishes just like an imaginary genie. And if the answer is no, we are disillusioned and angry at God.

• There is a wonderful book called Bless O Lord. It is a translation from the original Russian and the illustrations are so beautiful. The message is quite powerful for children and adults alike. I heartily recommend a copy for your home. Use this book with your children. It has taught many a family to pray and how to make prayer (a relationship with God) a much more natural part of our daily lives.

• And as for recommended reading: Every home should have a copy of Metropolitan Anthony Bloom’s Beginning to Pray. Rarely have I seen a book so able to penetrate the roots of why each of us resists prayer and strips away gently but quite firmly all the excuses we comfort ourselves with.

• Remember my dear friend, we are not self-made people. We need the spiritual nourishment of communing with God. Don’t fall into the habit of saying ‘oh I’ll just pray at home’ in lieu of being part of the Liturgy. In times of trouble, when things are at their craziest, we should not only be praying at home, but we should be in church. And the flip side of that is that we shouldn’t just show up in church when things are at their bleakest. The liturgy and our prayer life at home are seamlessly interwoven. As the prayer of Metropolitan Philaret says “Direct my will. Teach me to pray. Pray Yourself in me.”

Now my dear, have another cup of tea while it is still nice and hot. Be sure and check with the other families in church and see what has and what has not worked for them. I’m sure there are many more wonderful ideas there for you to consider. So I ask too that you pray for me and I will pray for you. Together we can help each other journey closer to God.

With enveloping hugs;

Baba